Why Did I Lose Most of My Friends?

I never dreamed that starting over would cost me most of my friends — but it did. I didn't expect to be doing so much of this new life alone.

I had the best friend circle I could ever hope for. We were friends for over 10 years. We laughed together, went out to eat together, had book club together, floated the river together, and traveled together. I felt like I could share anything with them. We shared our hurts and joys. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through all the hard times in my marriage without them.

When I left, they were right beside me. They supported me and helped me any way they could.

I can't really pinpoint when things started to change. Part of it was me. Suddenly I was single in the midst of married couples. It felt a little awkward. Even though they wanted me there, I felt out of place. I remember a girls' trip where everyone was on their phone talking to their spouse around the campfire. I didn't resent them (as I probably wouldn't have been texting mine), but it highlighted the fact that I had chosen a different path, and it felt lonely.

As I started to heal and grow, I began to change. I found my voice. Instead of staying silent and just agreeing with everything, I voiced my opinion. I started doing things that I wanted.

I remember going on a float trip where a bunch of them wanted to watch a movie one evening. The stars were bright outside, and I wanted to take a walk. Normally, I would have just gone along with it, but this time I didn't. I did what I wanted.

It didn't bother me that they didn't want to sit outside or go for a walk, but it did bother them that I didn't want to watch the movie. For a long time, I was truly puzzled why this was so, until I realized that my behavior was changing and they didn't understand why. At the time, I didn't really have the tools yet to explain what was going on inside me. I couldn't tell them I was learning for the first time to express my opinion, or to do what I wanted without needing approval from everyone.

I was learning to be independent and make my own choices. In a sense, I was like a teenager, trying to learn how to assert my independence. Looking back now, knowing what I know today, I would have handled it a little differently. I understand now that my friends were having a hard time relating to what I was going through, and didn't know how to respond.

Gradually, we started talking less and less, and finally stopped talking altogether. I still miss them sometimes, but I have been able to move past the hurt and be thankful that I had them at a time in my life when I needed them. I'm grateful for the friendships, and I hope the very best for them.

I had a couple of friends who stayed by my side through all of it, without conditions. One of them, in particular, felt different — not because anyone else did anything wrong, but because of how safe she made the changes in me feel.

I remember telling one friend I was getting a nutrition coaching certification. She asked what I planned to do with it. It was a fair question, and I didn't really have an answer. I just wanted to do something I'd never done, to grow into someone new. but I remember feeling like I needed to justify it to her.

When I told my best friend from high school the same thing, she just said, "That's great!" No question about the plan, no need for it to make sense yet. Just room for me to become whoever I was becoming.

That's what made the difference. It wasn't about who asked the "right" questions — it was about who could let me change without needing to understand why yet. Those friends are rare, and they are treasured.

There’s another real question under the first one - What did I do when it happened?

I grieved. I worked on letting go of anger by feeling gratitude for all the wonderful times we had. I learned how to be alone and still be happy, doing things I loved like hiking, reading, being in nature, and learning new skills to gain confidence. Slowly, I started meeting people who aligned with the path I was on. There are still times I miss them; they were such a huge part of my life. But finally understanding that there are seasons in life, and not everyone is meant to stay forever, allowed me to move forward and embrace the new journey I was on.