Waking Up

I would have never believed eight years ago that I would be where I am today. I look back at that woman, at that time in my life, and it literally feels like my life has been divided into two parts — before and after I left. Sometimes it's difficult for me to believe that my life is so different, and that I'm so different.

It's been painful and messy, but I can honestly say I'm grateful for my life and proud of who I am today.

I knew for many years that I was deeply unhappy. I was married, had children, lived in a nice neighborhood, had a job and close friends. On the outside it looked great, but inside, I was deeply depressed. I would stay at work late so I didn't have to come home. I never knew what I would be facing, and I was in a constant state of fear. Evenings were silent because I was trying to keep the peace. This went on for many years.

I thought about leaving several times through the years, but I didn't have enough confidence that I could provide for my children, so I learned to bury everything and pretend. I was scared of what would happen if I tried to leave, and I had been taught that leaving was a sin.

After many years, one winter day changed everything. There was a fight picked over nothing, ultimatums were given, and I was left with a choice — fall in line or leave. The words that were spoken woke something inside me. He blamed me for how he reacted, made me responsible for his choices — and when I really sat with it, I realized that's what he did with all of us. He never wanted to take ownership of how his words and actions affected the people around him. That day, something clicked. I realized these were words that should never be said, and that I had spent years excusing a pattern instead of naming it. I started searching for answers, and that search led me to Natalie Hoffman at Flying Free.

I realized I could no longer go on living with the way things were. I gained the courage to speak up for myself and say that the relationship needed to change. A threat was made, and I knew I had to leave. I packed a bag and ran. I never went back.

My life as I knew it was over. I was scared and had no idea what I was going to do. Thankfully, I had close friends who helped me navigate my first steps and stood with me as I began a new life.

I got a counselor to help me process the trauma. I joined Flying Free to learn how to rebuild my life. I wrote and wrote and wrote, trying to understand, pouring out all the pain I had kept locked up for so many years.

It has not been easy. It has been messy, and there are still days I struggle with overwhelming thoughts and emotions. What's different today is that I have the tools to manage them, to keep growing, and to keep building a life I love.

My hope is that if you've gone through similar circumstances, or are longing for something different, here is where you'll find understanding, encouragement, and resources to help you in your journey. Most of all, I want every woman to understand - it is never too late to dream again and create a beautiful life that you love.